Wouldn't It Be Nice, or Back When I Knew It All

I'm sitting here listening to a country song playing on the radio. It's called "Back when I knew it all". I can't remember who the artist is, but I can relate to this song so well.

When I was young, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to marry my boyfriend, Phil, and live happily ever after. I never had the ambition a lot of my friends , of going to college and having careers. I always wanted to have a family, several kids, and be the MOM. I love the idea of the word MOM.

Maybe I was influenced too much, by the 60's idea of what a mom was suppose to be. Unrealistic expectations, is what I think they call it now. I suppose it is. I know that it never was in the cards for me to have it.

My boyfriend was the stable, feet on the ground, church on Sunday, type of guy. I was a bit more wild, but I was ready and happy to make that leap from being a girl to having a husband when I was 19. We planned to live together in our college town and play house. When he graduated, I thought that our life would really begin. I just expected to be that stay at home wife who gardened, and took care of the house, meals and husband. But, none of it happened. Phil, got cold feet and had a last fling, and I found out about it and just couldn't get past it. We were kids. I didn't realize why he did it. I couldn't, I didn't have the maturity, or the background for it. I felt betrayed to my core. It shocked and rocked me. I ran.

From that point on, I did almost everything wrong. I didn't go to school, I didn't pursue a career, and I picked all the wrong guys. I guess I figured that if the "good" one could cheat, I may as well choose a wild one that I knew would. Or, maybe, I didn't think at all.

I always wanted to be serene. Calm and helpful. Sweet and peaceful... Ha! None of that was ever in the realm of possibility for several reasons. It just wasn't in my genes, background, or maturity level.

I married eventually, a sweet, but damaged man. Had a wonderful, brilliant, creative and talented son. I love him to distraction, but I had to leave his father when he was 11. The bad choices just continued.

I finally met the man I could love completely when I was 40. But it was too late, by then, to be a real Mom to my son. He was rebellous, being a teen, bored, angry about so many things. So my loving, serene idea of being a mom, was never realized. Mom, for me, meant trying desperately to get my angry son to do homework, stop skipping school, smoking and "hanging out" with the wrong kids. He ended his school career by dropping out and taking his GED. He married when he was 19 and I was frantic. I couldn't get through to him the importance of education. He nor his beautiful wife seemed to understand, seeming to have unrealistic expectation of what their life would be.

Through the last 10 years, I've finally grown some. I've managed to mature a little, thankfully. Enough that I realize how lucky I am now. I'm safe, I'm loved. My son matured faster than I did, becoming a very loving father and husband. He got a degree in computer networking and solved the problem of expensive school, by joining the National Guard full time. Now, he'll pursue education as far as he wishes. He's determined, focused, loving and driven. He has done all this, in spite of not being raised by Beaver Cleaver's, mom. His daughter is a very happy little girl. She's being raised so differently than my son was. Stable and safe. She is so secure and happy.

There is a part of me that will always miss what I didn't have. That life with my first Love, Phil. We talked so much of how it would be...it's almost like a hardwired program that crashed. The horses, the home, the little girl.... sigh. Hearing some old songs can still throw me into tears...The old song, "Wouldn't it be nice"..."Brown-eyed girl", anything by Led Zeplin, Bread, Three dog night....and I'm right back to being 16, breathless, adventurous, longing, with a beautiful future mapped out.....

I have been so, lucky. God has been so good to me, in spite of all my mistakes. I get to be a great grandmother, a loving wife, and a mom....not June Cleaver, but Ginger Barritt, instead, a loving Mom in spite of myself.

Hello!!!