Yesterday, June 20, 2009, marked the 38Th anniversary of my youngest sister's death. 38 years, and it seems unbelievable in one way, and forever ago, as well.
When the clock and calender here in the office where I'm working clicked over, after midnight, it hit me and shocked me. I'd managed to forget that my sister was killed on Father's day when she was 11. But I'm not writing of her death, I've already done that.
I'm going to try to tell you who she was in life.
When you talk of the dead, they say, that you tend to forget their faults. I don't know if it's true or not, but at 11 years old, she really didn't have that many. She was the sweet one. Shelley won't be hurt by that, she just was. Shelley also said she was the pretty one...and she really was beautiful, but I had two beautiful sisters. I was really proud of both of them...they were so cute together, almost like twins.
Shelley was more of the minx, of the two. Penny just liked to be with her sister. Penny loved me, I know that, but she adored Shelley. They were inseparable. They were the ones that had the secrets, and the adventures. The whispered fun. I was usually the enemy. I was the older one, not really a part of them. I was too bossy. Being the oldest, I was always put in charge of them, made responsible for them, and most of the time I was OK, with it, but sometimes, I'd tire of being the one to get fussed at if they got hurt, or in trouble.
Penny was more of the peacemaker, she didn't want anyone to be angry. Shelley really didn't care about that...as long as they weren't bothering her, she was fine. Penny never thought twice about sharing....not so much Shelley. Shelley could tell if I just walked into her room.
Penny loved family as much as I did. She cared about everybody. My whole world changed, my whole future irrevocably altered when she left this world.
Ok, so Christopher & I went to this great wedding reception not too long ago...... Beautifully done...outdoors, lights, white linens, good food....her father's band, with a substitute for dad.....catered, wait staff....I love this sort of thing and it was done well.... The parents, Ronnie and Sonya, have been friends of mine for, oh, wow....32 years! Kasie is the gorgeous and unique bride...and has met and married a perfect match for her, Charlie....they are the perfect example of just "cool". They live in Atlanta.... Ronnie and Sonya are fabulous people.......Back in our young days, we did the club scenes, and party's together...Then, we all started having kids, and the party's slowed a bit.....They have stayed married, and apparently still in love for all these years...They started a business when the kids were young. It and they, struggled a bit over the years......Ronnie is creative and versatile......and neither were afraid of hard work.....the business grew and changed, and now affords them a really nice living, allowing a lot of the perks that go with it..... But what these two really accomplished were these two daughters, and one son. Shawn, the Atlanta artist, Kasie, and her sister Savannah.....Kasie's story, I'll tell at another time....this, is Savannah's story... Savannah is the baby....she was the most willful child we'd ever come across......Ronnie and Sonya were hilarious to watch as this absolutely gorgeous little angel would struggle at two to dress herself.....you better not help her.....to do so would start a loud and drawn out crying jag....we just let her do it herself...it was just better that way....Ok, so sometimes it was a Tee shirt with a tutu and mismatched socks...you just didn't want to go there.....yes, you look beautiful Savannah!!!! Independent....she was the word.......Ok, now Savannah is 24, so gorgeous you don't want to stop looking at her, and so smart you could talk to her for hours....She's had some struggles with her health which was scary, and caused great concern, but her stubborn nature and independence reigned....she never lets anything stop her.... I moved away from Tupelo, in 1988, to Atlanta, when the kids were small, so I missed so much of their lives.....which I regret ...I think it would have been amazing to watch them grow and change,....but let me show you how she turned out.....I have her website linked (hopefully) below this writing.....I'm also going to put it on my profile page....and I encourage you to have a look.... She lives and works in Kigali, Rwanda...The website is new.......she's still learning the ins and outs of it...but I think you will enjoy seeing what this very loving, beautiful, generous young woman is doing with her life..........I am really proud to be a little bit in her life.....and Savannah....if you ever read this....I love you and am so proud of you...... SavannahKeith http://www.savannahkeith.com/Site/Welcome.html
Phil has never been completely out of my life. He never will be, I'd be willing to bet. It's such a sad story.
Phil was my first love.(Love) That bittersweet memory, most folks have.
From a first kiss in a hot yellow mustang, parking in the moonlight, planning our lives together, dreaming, kissing, loving, and then the tragic, dramatic loss of our dreamed lives together...I've never let go of him. Nor he of me. Not completely.
Not an affair, nor anything close. Just a refusal to completely sever that connection, even though each has separate lives and loves.
Our life together was blown apart by our own naivety. Our pride. Youth.
Aries is a Cardinal Fire sign. As the first sign in the zodiac, and corresponding with the first day of spring, the Aries individual is a mover and shaker, fearlessly forging ahead into new territory.
The Aries personality is always a force to be reckoned with. These are curious and energetic individuals, always delving into new areas. Arians are forthcoming and direct. They don't generally have hidden agendas or ulterior motives.
Opinionated and often territorial about possessions. They will tell you like it is, according to their own inner truths, and will not feel bad about it later. These are the free birds of childhood, and they feel that they have the right to explore new territories unhindered, both physical and mental. Getting a kid like this to follow the rules may be a challenge. Even when young, all Arians are very competitive and cannot stand it if they do not come out on top. This "me first" attitude will be evident throughout life, and they often get what they want simply because of this unshakable attitude.
And this general profile of an Aries is so spot on with my long lost love. Both the reason why I felt so safe, and at times smothered.
The boy has now long been a man.
I haven't seen Phil in 12 years now. Almost 20 years prior to that. I do keep in touch through all of our modern ways, e-mail and such.
We know we made a mistake long ago. We both did. Phil, I think, has believed all these years that the loss of our relationship fell directly and completely on his shoulders, and it didn't. I wish I could repair the damage that I did to him, all those years ago. I wish he understood that if I'd been older, or wiser, I'd have forgiven him, as I certainly have now. It doesn't erase the error that was done. It doesn't give us back the life we could have had. It might have been wonderful, but again, we really can't know that. I pray for him, that he has a happy life. One free from guilt over a silly girl who couldn't forgive a good man a mistake. One stupid mistake. I should have known him better, I should have forgiven and let us go on to have that life we planned, but I was a stupid, arrogant, silly girl, with no experience and no way to understand...
He's still loyal and honest, and strong. He deserves to be happy...to have love and to feel respected.
You know a lot has happened to me in my life. I've been high and low but mostly in between.
I've been told that our life experiences make us who we are in the now, and that I'm not all that bad. I've had to learn patience, and humility, and love. I've had to learn to stop living in the past. To think positively and be greatful for what I have.
My first really adult lesson, good and bad, was taught by my first love, Phil.
It was, as they say, a simpler time.
I was just becoming aware of myself as a woman. Not really all that developed, I was a skinny girl, but the curves were beginning to show,and I was getting that restlessness, when a boy of 16 caught my eye one morning while I was on the bus to my Junior High School. Another girl pointed out a boy in a yard, not far from my house and told me she had a crush on this really cute older guy named, Phil....and there in the yard, he was. Dark, neat hair, huge brown eyes, and a great stocky build. Oh, yes, he was adorable. He was just getting into a hot yellow mustang with a black top....Wow, the guy even drove his own car!
I didn't know that he also went to my own church, and one day, we met, we made electric eye contact.
The first time he asked me out, he asked me to go to his sister's beauty review. I was so scared, this was my first date EVER and I wasn't even sure that Mom would let me go...but she did.
He picked me up, and off we went...just as we crossed a railroad track, he turned to me and said, "are you going to sit all the way over there?"...I was so embarassed, and shy, but I moved over (yes, it was bucket seats, but so what?). . . .and he kissed me.
Phil, was mostly the perfect boyfriend. He put up with the adolecent drama scenes that I produced, he protected me, he took me anywhere I wanted to go, and we sure did park ALOT. I adored him. He was with me through the horrible darkness after Penny died. We spent alot of time in church and with our church friends. As we grew together, we really considered ourselves married in our hearts. We bonded really strongly. We had songs that were ours, we looked at houses and dreamed. "I can't wait", was something we said often. I had, we had, our lives so planned out, right down to the little girl we wanted. But, we grew up, and something changed.
We set our date. I bought the dress, the invitations, made the rice bags and had the engagement photo made. I had questions one evening and thought nothing of jumping into my car and heading out to the college to see him. That night ruined everything. And it wasn't all Phil's fault.
He lived outside the campus in a student trailer park with 2 other friends of his. They were only too happy to tell me that he was in the trailer next door. Oh God, I don't think I'll ever forget that night. I think I threw my beautiful diamond ring away in the rocks, I just don't remember. I don't remember coming home...I know we argued, or talked or something, but I've mostly blocked it out.
I remember over the next few days, talking to Phil and finding out where his head was, and calmly explaining to my family that the wedding was off, and that Phil had felt overwhelmed at all the plans...and that he had met someone.
Ok, enough. Yes, it was awful, but let me tell you what I learned after all the anger, disappoinment, and blame went away, after all the bad decisions I made in the aftermath.
Phil, was just a great guy. He treated me wonderfully, even if he was somewhat possessive and jealous. He was mostly patient and calm with me..and I was a very dramatic and bossy girl. He gave the impression of having it all together...very down to earth, and assured. He was a bit silly for my benefit at times...strutting and preening, which looking back was extremely sweet and enduring. I was safe with him, but then again, that was part of the reason I came so completely apart in the aftermath. If I couldn't trust Phil, there was no reason to ever trust any man...if my Phil, my rock, could lie to me, then they all would...foolish girl.
Phil was young and beautiful. He had been dating one girl for 5 years and was about to commit to her for the rest of his life. He had a bit of rebel in him, and he had friends that whispered to him constantly that he was making a mistake. He loved me, but I was not easy. He loved his macho friends, and wanted to have fun, too. We were about to have what we'd always wanted, but the weight of was heavy. What if he was making a mistake? He was young.
Looking back at that young, vital, beautiful man, from my, now 53 years, it is not at all a surprise that he had that affair. It's not at all a surprise that he needed time to work all these things out before committing completely. It shouldn't have been so hard to forgive. But it hit me so hard. And I just couldn't.
I don't know if I'm a better person than I would have been. I've not enjoyed many parts of my life. Many years were really hard because I did not make good decisions. I had a really hard time getting my priorities straight and let's face it...my choices in men were awful.
I'm very happy now. I finally met someone that I could trust. Even we had a rough road for a while. But through all my bad decisions, and some deep self examination,I learned that you can lose something very special, and very precious by acting rashly and impulsively, and by trying to punish people instead of forgiving them.
A higher Being than I am admonished us to forgive. It's too bad that we cause ourselves and others so much heartache by not listening to that command. How much easier would it be, if we truly followed the commands of our God? The instant gratifications we choose, the "turn about is fair play" attitudes, the revenge we seek in retaliation for trampled hearts and desires all serve to cause so much damage in the long and short runs.
The only salvation in all of this, happens if we care enough to work through our shortcomings. If we finally look inward, as well as outward and learn to trust in Higher ideals. "Be Still and know that I am God".
Phil and I are not the first, nor the last couple to trash what should have been, by selfish and immature actions. That situation wasn't the last time I was rash, selfish, and careless. I had much to learn, and I chose the hard way.
Each second we are given is a blessing, a gift, a chance to do something special. If only we could "Be Still", for 5 minutes and look inward and listen to that Voice. We still can. We can start now.
I treasure my memories of mine and Phil's young wonderful romance. It was good and until the last, honest and loving. He helped me through some of the darkest times, he taught me many many wonderful lessons. I'm grateful to him and God for having him in my life so long ago.
