First Love - A Bit Of The Story

You know a lot has happened to me in my life. I've been high and low but mostly in between.

I've been told that our life experiences make us who we are in the now, and that I'm not all that bad. I've had to learn patience, and humility, and love. I've had to learn to stop living in the past. To think positively and be greatful for what I have.

My first really adult lesson, good and bad, was taught by my first love, Phil.

It was, as they say, a simpler time.

I was just becoming aware of myself as a woman. Not really all that developed, I was a skinny girl, but the curves were beginning to show,and I was getting that restlessness, when a boy of 16 caught my eye one morning while I was on the bus to my Junior High School. Another girl pointed out a boy in a yard, not far from my house and told me she had a crush on this really cute older guy named, Phil....and there in the yard, he was. Dark, neat hair, huge brown eyes, and a great stocky build. Oh, yes, he was adorable. He was just getting into a hot yellow mustang with a black top....Wow, the guy even drove his own car!

I didn't know that he also went to my own church, and one day, we met, we made electric eye contact.

The first time he asked me out, he asked me to go to his sister's beauty review. I was so scared, this was my first date EVER and I wasn't even sure that Mom would let me go...but she did.

He picked me up, and off we went...just as we crossed a railroad track, he turned to me and said, "are you going to sit all the way over there?"...I was so embarassed, and shy, but I moved over (yes, it was bucket seats, but so what?). . . .and he kissed me.

Phil, was mostly the perfect boyfriend. He put up with the adolecent drama scenes that I produced, he protected me, he took me anywhere I wanted to go, and we sure did park ALOT. I adored him. He was with me through the horrible darkness after Penny died. We spent alot of time in church and with our church friends. As we grew together, we really considered ourselves married in our hearts. We bonded really strongly. We had songs that were ours, we looked at houses and dreamed. "I can't wait", was something we said often. I had, we had, our lives so planned out, right down to the little girl we wanted. But, we grew up, and something changed.

We set our date. I bought the dress, the invitations, made the rice bags and had the engagement photo made. I had questions one evening and thought nothing of jumping into my car and heading out to the college to see him. That night ruined everything. And it wasn't all Phil's fault.

He lived outside the campus in a student trailer park with 2 other friends of his. They were only too happy to tell me that he was in the trailer next door. Oh God, I don't think I'll ever forget that night. I think I threw my beautiful diamond ring away in the rocks, I just don't remember. I don't remember coming home...I know we argued, or talked or something, but I've mostly blocked it out.

I remember over the next few days, talking to Phil and finding out where his head was, and calmly explaining to my family that the wedding was off, and that Phil had felt overwhelmed at all the plans...and that he had met someone.

Ok, enough. Yes, it was awful, but let me tell you what I learned after all the anger, disappoinment, and blame went away, after all the bad decisions I made in the aftermath.

Phil, was just a great guy. He treated me wonderfully, even if he was somewhat possessive and jealous. He was mostly patient and calm with me..and I was a very dramatic and bossy girl. He gave the impression of having it all together...very down to earth, and assured. He was a bit silly for my benefit at times...strutting and preening, which looking back was extremely sweet and enduring. I was safe with him, but then again, that was part of the reason I came so completely apart in the aftermath. If I couldn't trust Phil, there was no reason to ever trust any man...if my Phil, my rock, could lie to me, then they all would...foolish girl.

Phil was young and beautiful. He had been dating one girl for 5 years and was about to commit to her for the rest of his life. He had a bit of rebel in him, and he had friends that whispered to him constantly that he was making a mistake. He loved me, but I was not easy. He loved his macho friends, and wanted to have fun, too. We were about to have what we'd always wanted, but the weight of was heavy. What if he was making a mistake? He was young.

Looking back at that young, vital, beautiful man, from my, now 53 years, it is not at all a surprise that he had that affair. It's not at all a surprise that he needed time to work all these things out before committing completely. It shouldn't have been so hard to forgive. But it hit me so hard. And I just couldn't.

I don't know if I'm a better person than I would have been. I've not enjoyed many parts of my life. Many years were really hard because I did not make good decisions. I had a really hard time getting my priorities straight and let's face it...my choices in men were awful.

I'm very happy now. I finally met someone that I could trust. Even we had a rough road for a while. But through all my bad decisions, and some deep self examination,I learned that you can lose something very special, and very precious by acting rashly and impulsively, and by trying to punish people instead of forgiving them.

A higher Being than I am admonished us to forgive. It's too bad that we cause ourselves and others so much heartache by not listening to that command. How much easier would it be, if we truly followed the commands of our God? The instant gratifications we choose, the "turn about is fair play" attitudes, the revenge we seek in retaliation for trampled hearts and desires all serve to cause so much damage in the long and short runs.

The only salvation in all of this, happens if we care enough to work through our shortcomings. If we finally look inward, as well as outward and learn to trust in Higher ideals. "Be Still and know that I am God".

Phil and I are not the first, nor the last couple to trash what should have been, by selfish and immature actions. That situation wasn't the last time I was rash, selfish, and careless. I had much to learn, and I chose the hard way.

Each second we are given is a blessing, a gift, a chance to do something special. If only we could "Be Still", for 5 minutes and look inward and listen to that Voice. We still can. We can start now.

I treasure my memories of mine and Phil's young wonderful romance. It was good and until the last, honest and loving. He helped me through some of the darkest times, he taught me many many wonderful lessons. I'm grateful to him and God for having him in my life so long ago.










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